Through this Winter

Wish I could put to words
What I’m feeling
But I can’t

Caught in a rope
Sometimes hardly breathing
Too much movement. Too much feeling

It seems like I’m breaking
And I don’t know if I can make it
That smile, I have to fake it

Half frozen
So weary
and wanting you near me
I feel so far from home
I feel so alone

And it’s been like this my whole life
Though I’m loved, I can’t seem to feel right
Though I’m precious, I just seem to fight.

My memories of you
Hang about my room
And I wonder if they’re true
Or just paintings of my imagination.

And these thoughts swirl in my head,
And I sometimes think I’m better left for dead,
And these memories caught in the windstorm
Spiral outward and drag me with them.

And these words don’t make sense
Cause I don’t know how I’m feeling
Yet I know that it’s not healing
But I can’t describe confusion.
And I’ve learned so much, it’s true
But I don’t know what to do
And my heart feels so confused

I don’t know how to feel
And I can’t seem to get things right
I’m blessed beyond belief
But I feel like I’m wasting time
And I feel like I’ve betrayed
All that I have ever loved
And I feel that I’ve changed
And I feel that I’m not enough

I don’t know where to turn
And I can’t see how to learn
And I want to feel His love,
But I look for it elsewhere.

And the ones I want to see
Seem to turn from me
I cry out but they’re deaf to my pleas
Though they are all I see
And it confuses me.

So I live in a deaf world,
Trying to speak, yet only heard
By those who take the time to
Stop.

What can I say to make you hear?
Yet I’m terrified of your listening ear.
When you see me, what will you think?
Can you ever love me?

But it doesn’t really matter
And my fears are just a battle
And you are just an outcry of my waiting heart
That wants to set you apart, but shouldn’t.

And my heart is so deceitful
Playing tricks on all these people
And never loving quite so much as it should
And sometimes too honest for its own good.

I can’t help but wonder what you think of me
It drives me crazy until I can barely speak
And I cannot read those eyes
Are we all hiding behind our tangled lies?

I try to shut you out
By shutting all my thoughts down
But then I’m not living, only breathing
And pain is better than that feeling.

Truly, I want to close my eyes
And take a leap into these skies
And see if I could learn to fly
But I know that would be unwise
So I will have to wait and brave the ice.

Our souls are far from home
And our souls are not our own
And I’m glad of that but still
I wish it wasn’t so easy to feel
The pain of too much love
Or lack there-of.

But God’s enough for me
God is all I need
And He can satisfy me
If my proud heart will only let Him.

I wish my heart would know what it needs,
But it only chooses to freeze or bleed
For things it cannot explain or even call by name
And things that are not worth this broken-hearted game.

I can’t explain these tears
That seem will ever haunt me through these years
Or the absence of fears
But I know my heart is sick
And only God can heal it.

Lost in this vast wilderness
I can bring to Him my brokenness
And when I feel my love is treacherous
Only He can guide me.

So I will take another step
Get my toes a little wet.
And plunge into this icy sea,
Hoping you’ll remember me.
Wanting to be radiant and free.

Even if I freeze.

Written Fall 2010