Satan never attacks us where we are strong. He always hits me where I’m weakest and when I’m at the breaking point.

I have always, always had self esteem issues and a poor self image. Part of it is the culture we live in, I’m sure. The entertainment industry that always seems to surround us is so obsessed with physical perfection that is just impossible to achieve. This past year, I grew so much in this area, and gained so much confidence because I learned my confidence didn’t have to be in myself, but in Christ. That has been the one thing that is so easy for me to forget here; I keep finding my mind comparing myself to other people, or to this perfect person that everyone would like to be, but that just doesn’t and cannot exist.

Since I have set foot in the United Kingdom, I have not once felt good about myself. There’s always some negative remark about something I said or did or how I look echoing in the back of my mind. I find myself shrinking back from speaking, not because I’m nervous or afraid, but because “my opinion doesn’t matter” or “they probably already know that” or some other silly excuse. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see, especially the sprinkling of freckles on my face that I’ve gotten since being here. It stresses me out that I can’t go to the gym, and I can’t eat as many vegetables as I’m accustomed to. There’s always the old thought in my head that there must be something terribly wrong with me because I’m twenty years old and have never had a boyfriend. If I could only find out what’s wrong with me, then I could fix it and everything would be okay.

The thing is, I can’t fix myself. I don’t know why I keep trying. The pursuit of perfection is such a tiring way to live. The fact that I frequently feel unqualified or useless in many of the ministry settings I’m finding myself in doesn’t really help matters. All in all, it’s just a massive stack of silly excuses that keep me from being all that God has called me to be.

It’s such a selfish way to live. I’m supposed to be serving others, but instead I am obsessed with myself. I pray that the Lord will help me to not think less of myself, but to think of myself less. Hard as it is to admit, this is my greatest weakness and struggle, and it is due to my lack of faith that God can use me, that he has a perfect plan for me, and that he loves me immeassurably.

Think about it.

The God of the universe that knows the number of hairs on your head and the number of stars in the sky, who paints the sky in brilliant colors at sunrise and sunset, who is in charge of the lighting and the wind and the thunder loves you and me more than any vast amount that we can imagine, no matter what. That’s pretty cool. If I lived like I believed that, minute by minute and hour by hour, instead of being preoccupied with myself, how different would I be?

I would still be quiet, but I would be more alive.

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10

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