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An Impossible Reality

2010
07.25

God is amazing.

Last week, I found out about a week-long Christian gathering of young adults in Wales called Souled Out. It sounded amazing, and I was sad that I was going to miss it because it starts August 13th and I was supposed to leave Wales on July 31st and the United Kingdom on August 6th. At that point, I just hoped I’d be able to go someday.

But I kept thinking about it. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to go. The problem was, I would have to change my plane ticket (expensive) and I would have a whole week between the time I leave London and the time Souled Out starts where I wouldn’t have a place to stay. Staying was just a dream.

After I couldn’t get Souled Out off my mind, I started to pray about it. I pretty much begged God to let me stay if it was His will. I called the airline to see if changing my flight was possible. They said the system wouldn’t let them because I had booked a special fare from my student travel agency. At this point, I was pretty much convinced that staying was impossible, but I was still praying.

Next, I called my travel agency to see if they could do anything. I decided that if they could and if the fare difference was lower than a certain sum, then I would still consider staying. If it wasn’t, then I was going to forget about it. Not only was my identical flight available for the new return date, but the cost was far below what I expected. Unbelievable.

Basically, everything fell into place for me to stay absolutely perfectly and my parents were okay with it – neither of which I expected to happen. There are still some details that have to be worked out, but I know God will take care of them. He’s taken me this far.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

So, I will now be in Wales until August 21st. This is so crazy, a part of me thinks I must be dreaming. But I’m not. God is ridiculously amazing.

To everyone that has been praying for me: thank you so much. I have certainly felt your prayers, and I really appreciate your love and encouragement.

The past few weeks, we have done all sorts of different ministry: mostly kids clubs, school assemblies and classes, and youth work. I’ve definitely been learning a lot, and I have met so many amazing people. God has placed such a burden on my heart for this country. I just don’t know how I am going to leave. My heart is set on learning to speak Welsh fluently if it kills me.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. -Psalm 19:14

I’m praying that I will be a clear reflection of Christ, totally transparent and open, so that the Lord can use me for whatever. That’s the only reason that I’m still on this earth anyway.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” -Psalm 16:1

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Psalm 138

2010
07.06

A Psalm of David.

I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
before the gods I sing your praise;
I bow down toward your holy temple
and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love
and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.
On the day I called, you answered me;
my strength of soul you increased.

All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,
for they have heard the words of your mouth,
and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
for great is the glory of the Lord.
For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly,
but the haughty he knows from afar.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.

This is my prayer today. It says everything that I feel and don’t have the words to express. The Psalms are awesome like that.

It makes me feel better that David, a man after God’s own heart, puts everything so honestly. When he feels far away from God, he just says so. That’s one of the things that God has been teaching me lately – Don’t edit your prayers. God isn’t an English teacher; he doesn’t care about your grammar or your fabulous vocabulary. He wants to hear what’s on your heart. I feel so much more restful when I can just dump everything at his feet, without worrying about expressing it correctly. God knows what I mean.

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Fully Alive

2010
06.30

Satan never attacks us where we are strong. He always hits me where I’m weakest and when I’m at the breaking point.

I have always, always had self esteem issues and a poor self image. Part of it is the culture we live in, I’m sure. The entertainment industry that always seems to surround us is so obsessed with physical perfection that is just impossible to achieve. This past year, I grew so much in this area, and gained so much confidence because I learned my confidence didn’t have to be in myself, but in Christ. That has been the one thing that is so easy for me to forget here; I keep finding my mind comparing myself to other people, or to this perfect person that everyone would like to be, but that just doesn’t and cannot exist.

Since I have set foot in the United Kingdom, I have not once felt good about myself. There’s always some negative remark about something I said or did or how I look echoing in the back of my mind. I find myself shrinking back from speaking, not because I’m nervous or afraid, but because “my opinion doesn’t matter” or “they probably already know that” or some other silly excuse. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see, especially the sprinkling of freckles on my face that I’ve gotten since being here. It stresses me out that I can’t go to the gym, and I can’t eat as many vegetables as I’m accustomed to. There’s always the old thought in my head that there must be something terribly wrong with me because I’m twenty years old and have never had a boyfriend. If I could only find out what’s wrong with me, then I could fix it and everything would be okay.

The thing is, I can’t fix myself. I don’t know why I keep trying. The pursuit of perfection is such a tiring way to live. The fact that I frequently feel unqualified or useless in many of the ministry settings I’m finding myself in doesn’t really help matters. All in all, it’s just a massive stack of silly excuses that keep me from being all that God has called me to be.

It’s such a selfish way to live. I’m supposed to be serving others, but instead I am obsessed with myself. I pray that the Lord will help me to not think less of myself, but to think of myself less. Hard as it is to admit, this is my greatest weakness and struggle, and it is due to my lack of faith that God can use me, that he has a perfect plan for me, and that he loves me immeassurably.

Think about it.

The God of the universe that knows the number of hairs on your head and the number of stars in the sky, who paints the sky in brilliant colors at sunrise and sunset, who is in charge of the lighting and the wind and the thunder loves you and me more than any vast amount that we can imagine, no matter what. That’s pretty cool. If I lived like I believed that, minute by minute and hour by hour, instead of being preoccupied with myself, how different would I be?

I would still be quiet, but I would be more alive.

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10

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Here & there

2010
06.28

St. David`s Cathedral, Wales

Last Monday, after visiting a livestock market and learning how to grade sheep based on fat content, we set off to St. Davids. I really didn’t know what to expect, but we were met with an absolutely beautiful cathedral and a very adorable town.

St. David's, Wales

This place has the best ice cream that I have ever tasted in my entire life. Go for the “Celtic Crunch!”


On Tuesday, we had the opportunity to go into a secondary school and participate in their RE classes. In Britain, students are required to take Religious Education classes, where they learn about all different religions. This allowed us to go into the classes and share our testimonies and then talk with students in smaller groups. As long as we shared our beliefs without claiming that they were the truth, we were free to talk about whatever we wished. I was so blessed by this experience and I got to talk to a bunch of great kids. Some of the things they said just broke my heart.

On Wednesday night, we went into Swansea Prison, which is a small prison for men between the ages of twenty and thirty. I had never been in a prison before, so the tour was really interesting! On Wednesday nights, they have a time of worship for the young offenders who want to attend. We each shared our testimonies there, and sang quite a number of hymns together. The Welsh people can sing beautifully, and it was such a worshipful time. Prison ministry had never really crossed my mind before, but there is so much need there. It’s definitely something that I may pursue further when I get back to the USA.

Those were just a few of the highlights of the first week on the field. We have met so many great people; it tears me up to have to say our goodbyes so soon. Everyone has been so generous and gracious towards us, and it’s really very humbling.

Honestly, we did do a lot this past week, and I let myself get distracted from the reason that I’m here. I didn’t have my whole heart focused on God much of the time, and I let myself become tired becuse I wasn’t relying on the Lord’s strenth to get me through each day. I was relying on my own, which always makes me cranky and selfish, and is just never a good thing. I’m praying that this week I will rely on HIm fully and serve him with my whole heart! It just makes everything so much easier.

If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 4:11

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Cymru

2010
06.24

I am in the land of dragons, warriors, and poetry; surrounded by sheep, beauty, and roses; and drowning in tea and ice cream. I made it to Wales a week and a half ago, but I have done and seen so much, it seems like it has been ages. It is such a beautiful country, and I love that I’m living in a place where it’s rare to see a hilltop that isn’t crowned by a castle.

The first week was orientation in the North, where I met lots of amazing people. It was a wonderful week of learning, growing, and fellowship. Our team of three took the train down to Llandeilo in the South on Saturday, and have been going nonstop ever since. We’ve seen a lot of beautiful sites, done some really eye-opening (for me, anyway!) ministry, and have met multitudes of fantastic, gracious people. We’re only four days out of orientation, and already my own perspective and focus has shifted. I’ve still got a long way to go, though!

I’m a shy, reserved person by nature. I’m not ashamed to admit that telling my own story and sharing about my relationship with Jesus in front of a crowd is scary to me. As expected, since we have been out of orientation, a day has not passed in which I have not shared my testimony. In my head, I know that the more I rely on the Lord for my words, instead of planning them out in my head beforehand, the more genuine and glorifying they will be. My heart is a different story – it wants to plan out every word out to prevent epic failure. I’m beginning to truly realize that I don’t have to worry at all about what to say because God will give me the appropriate words at the right time.

I started telling my story very shakily, trying to use my own words, which was silly. The more I gave my worry and planning-instinct to God, the more I realized that as I told my story, sometimes different aspects would be brought out more than others, which is really cool. The best thing is, it’s not about me, my words, or others’ opinions. It’s all about Jesus, and as long as I remember that, there’s no pressure on me.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory…
Ephesians 3:20-21

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Aros – v. to wait (Welsh)

2010
06.11

I’ve been learning a little Welsh, thanks to SaySomethingInWelsh.Com, and so far my favorite word to say has been “aros” which means “to wait.” It’s pretty ironic considering I really dislike waiting, and I’m not the best at being patient.

At least half of life is spent waiting. We wait at red lights. We wait to get our food at restaurants. We wait in line at Wal-Mart (my least favorite). We “can’t wait!” for it to be Christmas. We “can’t wait!” for summer. We wait to get married until Mr. Right shows up. We wait to see the good in a situation, when all we can see are depressing facts in the present moment. We wait. We wait. We wait.

But do we wait with hope? Do we wait with expectation? Do we wait with faith?

Most of the time, I don’t.

It is good that I should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the Lord

Lamentations 3:26

But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

Romans 8:25

And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now, hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

I’m leaving for Wales tonight. It feels more than a little unbelievable. Last summer at MFuge in Canada, I felt like God was calling me to missions in the UK. I didn’t know how or when or where, and I certainly did not expect it to be the very next summer! I pray that as I go, God will give me the strength and grace to live up to Ephesians 4:14:

As a prisoner of the Lord, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit – just as you were called to one hope when you were called.

You may or may not know that I like to plan: dinner parties, schedules, you name it. I also like to know everything that is going to happen, down to the last detail, but how terrible would it be to see the rest of your life laid out before you? Who you’re going to marry, where you’re going to live, what you’re going to do, what you might have to go through, when you’re going to die, everything. It would cause us to miss so many wonderful opportunities and blessings!

I don’t know every detail of the rest of my life or of this trip, but God does, so I’m in good hands. Much stronger and wiser hands than my own!

“I just have to wait and see.”  - Brandon Heath

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Technical Difficulties

2010
06.11

Unfortunately, my last post was lost due to a server move, and the fact that I didn’t have it backed up. (Oops.)

I just wanted to thank everyone again for all of your prayers, encouragement, and support. God has provided exceedingly and abundantly, and my trip is fully paid for! The Lord has been blessing and growing me in so many ways, and it is so humbling. I am so thankful that no matter how terrible and broken I am, God’s grace is sufficient to cover me! I’m so blessed to have this wonderful opportunity to participate in His work, and I pray that He will put His words in my mouth, because on my own, I have none!

I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.”

Psalm 16:2

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Stress – adj. A Synonym for “Stupid”

2010
04.13

Usually, my stress is due to pressuring myself to go overboard on projects, and because I can’t let go of my perfectionism. Don’t listen to what they tell you – perfectionism can be fatal. It leads to perpetual busy-ness. If I’m always busy and stressed, how can I have time for God? How can I delight in the law of the Lord and meditate on it day and night (Ps 1:2), if my mind is a constantly running through my to-do list? How can I have time to serve others and genuinely care for them? I can’t.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-3

Only the Lord can increase my love and concern for others, and take away my tendency to fill my mind with busy-ness instead of wise time-management and  productivity. There’s no way I can do it on my own because without God, I am a fatality of perfectionism.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. – Hebrew 13:8

Jesus said, “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” – John 14:1

No matter what we are going through or struggling with, God will always be there to catch us. If we find our worth in him, all our passing struggles and little stressors seem so very trivial.

Please help me to keep you and your awesome promises always foremost in my mind, Lord! Let prayer be my first resort in all things.

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Crystallized cinnamon-y goodness? Check.

2010
04.13
This is what happens when I need a distraction.

Cinnamon Plum Rolls

I had too much whole wheat flour to fit into my flour canister…. What a good excuse to make up something new, right? I just threw ingredients in without measuring (bad habit, I know), so these measurements are rather approximate. This makes 6 rolls, but can easily be increased.

Rolls:

1 cup whole wheat flour

1/3 cup water, warm

1 t yeast

1 t cinnamon

1/8 t salt

2 T sugar

6 prunes, pitted

Coating:

melted butter

1/3 c white sugar

1-2 T cinnamon

dash of salt (leave out if using salted butter or margarine)

  1. Sprinkle yeast over warm water and mix to dissolve.
  2. Add in 2T sugar and let stand until foamy.
  3. Add flour, cinnamon, and salt. Let rise until doubled in size–about 30 minutes to an hour.
  4. Separate into 6 pieces. Roll into balls and flatten. (Basically, they should look like mini pizza crusts.)
  5. Place a prune inside each one and pinch to seal. Smooth into a ball shape.
  6. Mix together sugar, cinnamon, and salt for coating.
  7. Brush each roll with butter, and roll in cinnamon and sugar mixture.
  8. Place rolls on greased baking sheet. For fluffier rolls, let rise again for about half an hour before baking.
  9. Bake at 350 until dough is firm and coating is crystalized, about 10-15 minutes.
  10. Enjoy!

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An Undivided Heart

2010
03.24

Make me helpless.
Make me needy.
Help me to see You clearly.

Though I’m broken,
And I am weary,
Lord, you always hear me.

You’re ever-present in my distress.
You hold me, safe;
You give me rest.

My soul is filled with sorrow,
and my heart,
it feels so terribly hollow without You.

When I cease to put you first,
Make me hunger, make me thirst.
For in You is hope, only.
And I live for the day,
when I can see Your glorious face.

I love you,
Increase it.
I need you,
Help me to see it.

“Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart.” – Psalm 86:11

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